boo!
Wednesday, October 31, 2001//10:33 p.m.
happy halloween, everybody. :)
this is actually the best halloween that i've had in a really long time. it's weird. my first halloween party was great! heh. :) really though, it was a lot of fun and i was really glad i went, because i was hesitant about it. but it was really neat. :) i was a bit surprised 'cause there was some drinking there...and people i didn't even expect to be drinking were drinking! woah! :p but i guess i shouldn't be so surprised because it was mostly people i haven't talked to in a while. but yeah, crazy stuff. it was fun though, and i didn't drink (first time! yah! go self control!) and i was still part of the life of the party... and i drove home safely. :) cool beans!
it's weird, feeling less than a person because of a way you look. or maybe not feeling less...just a little...envious. i don't know. i have this complex a lot. it's just...i dunno. all my friends are so pretty, it drives me crazy sometimes. oh well. i've got my own charm, i think :) it'll have to do. i can be satisfied with who i am.
besides, today, a very cute boy paid some real attention to me. it was a little...surprising, but cool. like, nice. :D made me giddy inside.
i should be a big red crayon more often, i think. :p
weird mix of emotions
Tuesday, October 30, 2001//08:29 p.m.
i just had a long talk with ann, and i think in saying everything and getting everything off my chest for the first time in the longest time, i am left as a little clump of too many different emotions. i swear it's the weirdest thing, and i don't even know whether to feel bad or sad about it. i guess i shouldn't feel either, 'cause it's just emotions, not how i should need to feel at this certain time or something. i dunno.
our team had league finals yesterday...and yay the varsity girls will be going to c.c.s!! yah! :) and also tim brady. heh. that's all though. but that's pretty neat, and i'm very excited, and happy that our season isn't quite over yet. neato frito. anyhoo, things have been pretty hectic tiring and what keeps me going sometimes are my friends and the pride in what i have been doing. i don't know. i hope i am not too proud.
the boy life has not been so good lately, but i've gotten to the point in which i really don't care so much. i mean, i still care, but i get it now; this is just how it's gonna be. i don't need guys to survive, and i don't need to find that one perfect boy. it's just too much trouble right now. i need to focus on getting my life in line. that is a big enough task already.
a lot of the reason that i keep going also comes from my own productivity. everytime i do something productive, i feel good about myself and i keep going. so i actually have a new incentive to do homework and such. it's pretty weird, but really nice in a way. :) so yeah. i guess it's all part of taking one day at a time and just relaxing a little, whenever i get the chance to.
tomorrow i'm going to dress up as a red crayon! cool, huh? :D heh. i'm pretty excited. all the other girls are going to be crayons too, we're all different colors. i'm so proud of us, we all worked so hard. i probably already talked about this a million times before but i guess i'm just hyped up. :) it'll be fun. i mean, it's our senior year, and for once, we're all dressing up and we're all living it up and just having fun and not caring anymore. pretty darn cool. :) so, i hope you have a very nice halloween, and you somehow acquire a lot of candy. :p
what is the best way to catch a fish?
Sunday, October 28, 2001//06:07 p.m.
have someone throw it at you! har har har. yuk yuk. *tear*.
:) i just finished my oceanology paper, and i thought i'd put some stupid fish/water/sea/ocean jokes at the end. i changed my mind, but i found some anyhow, and i thought i'd share them with you. :) today has been a pretty long day, and i was pretty bitchy through the first half. now i'm just tired, and i'm in a hurry to finish everything before i go to my meeting and then go bach home to have dinner with my family. pretty fun stuff though, now that i'm not as stressed. i got up at 5 this morning to go volunteering at the silicon valley marathon...which i didn't really want to go to in the first place but they needed drivers so i offered. the thing is, i hate parking downtown because all the places cost like 20 bucks. it's crazy. anyway, it was pretty ok for the most part but i decided that i don't like adults. they just think things about teenagers that aren't true. it really bothers me. anyway. i'm not gonna get into it because i'll get all angry again :P
part of the reason i was so bitter was because..well, because i was tired, and also because i should be resting for tomorrow: league finals. eek. i'm really nervous, but it's not too bad. i'm mostly just a little sad that this may be my last race, if i don't make it to c.c.s. finals. i don't mind if don't though, because i think c.c.s. is just a little too hardcore competitive for me.
well, i should keep it short because i have a bunch of things to study for and also a lot of other homework. ick. oh well. such is life, as a friend of mine would say. :)
just getting by
Friday, October 26, 2001//10:55 p.m.
today we had a link crew visit, which is when certain specially-trained upperclassmen, called link crew leaders, go spend a period with freshmen. there is one link leader to every five freshmen, just about, and it's a really good program, i think. i had a lot of fun today, and i think the kids did too. i made them laugh and had conversations with them and got along with them really well...and how? just by being myself. wow. pretty neat. :)
that just about made my day, because those kids are a lot of fun. oh, and during practice today, we got our cross country sweatshirts finally and everyone was so happy and excited! :) it was really cool to see everybody like that, and people were even thanking me for taking care of it all and everything...so that was a huge perk. and before my meeting for asb, i called this guy from a recycling program, and he's going to help us with our recycling club! we might get started as soon as next week! which is really awesome, i am so excited about that. and it's totally free and really easy too, so i'm just...exuberant. really i am. i think it is so good to see everything coming together.
well, almost everything, since there are still some loose ends that need to be fixed, but really everything is pretty much alright. i think spending time together will do all of us asb officers some good, and we've been bonding a lot lately, which is great. and tonight was the first night in a while in which we didn't have to do something for a football game! so i went to starbucks after practice and hung out with the starbucks gang for a while...then i went home and then davin and chris came over to watch shrek with my brother and i. i think that movie still rocks a lot, and it's really funny :) go see it when it comes out! well, actually, at our neighborhood video store, they already have it out, so that's how we got to see it. :) but yeah. i love that movie. that and monsters inc. are probably my favorite cartoon movies. and maybe little mermaid and beauty and the beast. :) there are probably others too--a lot of cheesy cartoon movies make me cry. i'm so weird. :P
tomorrow i am going volunteering! michelle and i are going to the HOPE rehabilitation...i don't know what we're going to do but hopefully it will be fun and we'll get to help with things. then afterwards we're gonna chill at her house and work on our halloween costumes...and then we might go see 'riding in cars with boys' but i don't know, i might be a little pooped. we'll see what happens though. definitely though, i have to get my butt to barnes and nobles or a bookstore to find some books to help me out with the SATII's. i'm starting to get a little nervous, actually, extremely nervous about colleges, but i have been talking about that a lot lately so i'm going to let it go for now. anyway, i should get to bed. goodnight. :)
a haunting good time?
Thursday, October 25, 2001//11:11 p.m.
i'm going to a halloween party! yeah! wow!
lol. i know it must sound ridiculous, but i have never gone to, much less been invited to, a halloween party before, so i am pretty darn excited. i feel cool. *laugh*
of course, that statement pretty much draws back any of the coolness i have ever displayed. eh. oh well. i tend to do that a lot. :D
i am having a conversation with daniel right now that is pretty...i don't know. it's not exactly enlightening, i wouldn't say that, but maybe it is in a way. we are discussing our past relationship and it's exactly like how kevin and i ended our relationship, except i was the kevin. god. what a bitch. that really sucks, but it's cool that i am friends with daniel again and we learned from it. but jeez. i feel so bad. did i really make him feel the same way that kevin made me feel when it just seemed to come out of the blue and slowly crumble from there? am i now being punished for my stupid mistake?
stupid-sounding questions, but they probably having stupid-sounding answers because i am tired and not really thinking straight. :p why am i up so late talking to people? bleh. curses to aim! curses!!
heheh. i'm going nuts. have a nice friday everybody! i know i will. :)
sleepy.
Wednesday, October 24, 2001//10:37 p.m.
i'm pretty tired. i dunno. i almost fell asleep in the library today, but since i was in the library, i didn't. it was fun reading there again, and i got a lot done again, so i was happy but yesterday was funner. oh well. :) i am content so that's good enough. :)
i'm shopping on interpunk.com right now, because i want to find a nice t-shirt that represents a band that i enjoy a lot. :) it will most likely be a saves the day shirt. i will order it now, but i won't send in the payment till i get my SAT scores, because doing well on the SATS will be my reward, yunno? well. maybe not, i don't know if i can wait that long. :P i'm a dork. maybe it can be my reward for being so damn responsible this week when it comes to doing all my homework and staying on task. :)
today, for practice, we ran at this park that was really dusty. i still have dirt in my eyes. ick. :|
everything, in all, has been pretty good. a little tiring sometimes, but there is really nothing to complain about. sometimes everything gets a little frustrating because there is always something to do, always a time to be productive, always never just sometimes too tired to lift a finger. but i won't give up. we were reading some quotes today (we as in i, i guess. :P) and one of my favorites was something along the lines of..."you must be the change you wish to have in the world." something like that. and i totally believe it. if you want something to change, you've got to set an example and also start that change and do something about it. yeah. so i think that's pretty neat. we're probably gonna have it on the back of our leadership council t-shirts. :) cool beans.
i think i better go to sleep. i'm exhausted! see you in the morning...or something like that. :)
cat won't stop meowing. frickin' annoying. :p
Tuesday, October 23, 2001//09:20 p.m.
hey. despite the probably very annoyed-sounding title, i am actually in a pretty good mood. except my cat is annoying! i'm ready to kick her! heh. i won't though, i'm not that cruel. she's just driving me nuts 'cause she won't stop meowing. i've checked to see if she had food and water at least 3 times. gar. :p
so i went the library today, and it was actually really fun. today was a very good day, which is kinda weird but really nice. :) in leadership, mr.drew wasn't there, so the asb officers and i got mcdonalds :) and then 1st and 2nd period were fine...oh and i got a special award for getting in the 99th percentile in the sat9 test for reading. it's nothing special, i guess, but it was pretty neat how the whole day people were like, "congratulations" and stuff...it was weird but cool. :) i fell asleep in 3rd period, and 4th period we just watched presentations...5th period was presentations, but spanish is always fun for some reason. :) i guess i realized that i like everybody in that class, and the teacher is cool. :D i fell asleep during study period in 6th since we don't start practice till afterschool on tuesdays and thursdays, so it was ok. and then practice was a bit hard but at least it wasn't especially long. i got home around 4, and then went to the library after deciding that the version of antigone that i downloaded off the internet was too hard to read.
the library was really nice, i don't know if i say it enough, but i love the library. i think i might even go again tomorrow if i have time, because i get so much done. i mean, when i study at home, i usually get tempted by food and sleep, and so i end up not doing very much homework. but the library is perfect! :) i read antigone, then did some econ homework, and then did some research on colleges. one question: why is it called a college "handbook" if it's gimungous?? that thing would not be a handbook in a million years--it's like twenty times bigger than my hand! :p
hehe. anyway, i think i've narrowed it down to 3 private universities. stanford, santa clara, and georgetown. then my 3 (or maybe 4) uc's...berkeley, san diego, ucla. i've actually been thinking about it though, and i don't know if san diego would be the best choice for me. i'm kind of not a very beach person, first of all, and my brother has a few friends there that said it's actually not really the greatest school. we'll see though. i've been really wishy-washy lately about colleges and stuff, and i just might change my mind within the next twenty-four hours. but it's nice to feel like i did something today. :)
anyway, i have spanish homework to do and i'm also supposed to go pick up some groceries. have a nice evening. :)
joy!!!
Sunday, October 21, 2001//11:45 p.m.
i am......DONE!!!
*dances around madly*
that is all. :) goodnight.
p.s. plato sucks!!
time to think
Saturday, October 20, 2001//04:07 p.m.
it seems my entries are lacking appeal lately...and i don't judge that based on the numbers of visitors i get, it's just my own personal opinion. i guess in comparison to my older entries, the ones where i talked about either kyle or kevin all the time, these entries are pretty bland. :p most of the time. other times, i guess, it is a bit better.
i can't believe it's already 4 in the afternoon and i haven't started my plato essay. oh well. i will start as soon as i finish this. there are just some things i need to say to get the brain juices flowing i guess. heh. like write in here, so i can be a little more articulate or something. bleh. :p
working at the store wasn't too horrible today. i actually came up with another idea for a personal statement for my college applications. i think it is more original than some of my other choices. we'll see, though, i guess. i think i will have a lot of fun working on those essays as soon as i finish this one, because i like writing personal essays. they are more fun than plato. nuts to plato!!
i don't know why i do this to myself, but i had the strangest craving to go read my old e-mails, and of course i go straight to reading the ones from kevin, and it's like a slow torture. why the hell do i do it? i really don't know. i guess, somewhere in me, i feel this need to try and figure out why it didn't work out. as much as people tell me it's not my fault, etc., i just can't let it go. goodness. i need a psychiatrist or something. or an hypnotist to make me think about something else, for goodness' sake. :p i hope it's at least kind of normal to hover over this topic for so long. 2, 3 months? gosh. that's pretty long. and pathetic, probably, but at least i don't go crying around to everybody about it. i just keep it to myself and my pita...and those who i know are my faithful pita readers. :p so in advance, i will probably always have a lot to say about it, and this won't be the last entry that i mention him, and i will probably go into detail about it many times after this. and i won't know why.
hey you know what's cool though? i met my biggest fan yesterday. i was at the football game, and this girl went up to me and asked me if i was amy from the announcements. (we do announcements every morning at the beginning of 2nd period) i said yes, and she told her friends and one of her friends was like, "hey i'm your biggest fan!" and started saying stuff about how cool she thought i was. that's pretty crazy, and funny, but mostly just really interesting i think. :p i have a fan? goodness. that is kinda cool. we didn't talk for very long, i just found out that she was a freshman and her name was....i wish i knew how to spell it. and yes. heh. it was a neat experience.
ok. time for the essay. i will update you on how it goes. thanks for reading. :)
hopelessly hopeful.
Friday, October 19, 2001//11:41 p.m.
hey kids. :) i have been updating this, but the entries haven't stuck. i don't know why, i think it is an evil pita conspiracy. anyway, i'm sorry. i hope you all had an enjoyable friday. mine was pretty darn good, under the circumstances of yesterday's freaking-out fest about colleges and another slap in the face that i am starting to forget about. (not a literal slap in the face. you know what i mean. :) )
the littlest things annoy me to death now, but it's all focused towards a handful of people. i dunno. maybe i am just extremely wary of those people. wary or weary? i dunno. :p can't think straight. anyway, i get over it pretty quickly, thank goodness, or i did today at least because i am starting to realize that despite the friends i lose in this frustrating year, i am making a lot of new ones too. and it's the ones that stay that count, because i am tired of trying so hard to please people that make me think they are my friends when in fact they are using me for something.
woah, getting towards the bitter side there. i'll try to stray away from that and stick to my "speak no evil" monkey. heh. it's pretty difficult, but i find that the more i talk about something, the more emotional i get about it, and even though sometimes emotional cleansing can be good, i just haven't found a way to talk about all this anger i have inside and make it go away. i talk and talk and talk about it and it either gets worse or just better for a little bit and comes back. i don't know why. something about betrayal kind of sticks with me, and as much as i try not to hold any grudges, i can't help myself sometimes. it's like they ask for it.
gah. i frustrate myself sometimes.
on a lighter note, well. there's not much of a lighter note despite becoming closer to a bunch of people that are nice...old friends, new friends, people that have been acquaintances for a long time and now i get the chance to get to know them. it's very fun. i feel pretty fortunate for that.
i don't know what i want to be when i grow up anymore. i am lost.
i have to go help my parents at the bakery tomorrow morning so i must go to bed. BLECH. :( how i dread dread dread going to that damn cafe where i lose my temper at those mean middleaged vietnamese men who treat me like crap because i can't speak vietnamese as well as they expect me too. oh well. what can i do...
walls are closing in
Thursday, October 18, 2001//07:39 p.m.
lord! i am scared.
i don't want to choose my colleges. i don't want to write fill out these applications. i don't want to put myself out on the line for rejection.
i don't want this.
but somehow, somehow i will get through this all and things won't be so tough anymore. and i will get on with my life and all of this won't seem like the big deal that it is right now.
besides freaking out about college things, things are going ok. life is mostly a rollercoaster right now.
sweet and sour.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001//10:30 p.m.
i know this is me just about a year ago, but gosh. reading it again it so sad and it brings all that pain back. i suppose the good thing that comes out of it though is remembering how much it's not worth it anymore when it hurts this much.
illbefineoncemyheartstopsbleeding
monday:october 30, 2000//7:51pm
i'm trying not to let it affect me too much, but it's killing me inside. yes, i'm talking about kyle but also another boy. and all of it is crushing me and tearing me apart because i feel like i'll never be good enough. but i am trying to be strong. i really am. and it's kind of working. :) see...today was our last race. it was good! i was pretty happy about how i did, i guess, but when everything happened, nothing else mattered. we just sat there, close, with his arm around me and his head resting on mine. it just felt so nice. it was a feeling i had missed, and i still do miss, i guess. we held hands and i tried to speak to him with my fingers. i tried to tell him that i was so afraid of what was happening, because i didn't know how i felt about him and how he felt about me. i wanted to tell him that i was so afraid to fall again and that i didn't want to be broken anymore. i wanted him to know that he was sometimes the highlight of my day and he made me feel like a boy, a really funny cute smart wonderful boy, liked me. i tried to tell him all of this with my hands. they felt hot under his. and we just sat, happy and sleeping underneath the pitterpattering bus roof. and sometimes we would wake up and talk with our hands some more and rub our faces against each other. and i felt his breath warm on my face and he let me nestle into his neck. and we were comfortable. i was so happy. but i still didn't know how i felt. i didn't know how he felt. this boy is incredibly flirtatious and he says i am too and we are just suckers for each other that always fall into this trap. so just about thirty minutes from home, after an hour of cuddling and silent contemplating, i turned to him and whispered in his ear, "do you really like me or are you just flirting like always?" and i laughed a little and said, "it's alright either way..." becase he smiled and hesitated a little bit. then he said, "well...i am flirting with you, but i am not flirting with anyone else." i half-laughed and said, "thus...?" and he answered, "look at it this way: you're fun to cuddle with." i took this well at first, and said, "likewise." to him with a little giggle. and he said, quieter, "and you're an awesome friend." i nodded and smushed myself back into his shoulder and he nudged my cheek with his nose. and we were back to normal, just with our feelings cleared up. i didn't think about it for a while, but then i started hurting inside. just a little bit. in a way, not because i knew now that he didn't like me, but in another way, it was exactly that. because i thought a bit about how kyle sort of used me as his listening buddy (and i'm still not sure if he ever had feelings or not) and then i compared it to this boy. he was using me as a cuddling buddy! geez louise. used emotionally and then used physically. what a sucker i am. :P i started feeling very sad inside, but my main goal was not to cry! i did not want to let this boy know how much this experience meant to me. i did not want him to know that i haven't had that feeling for a long time, and i did not want him to know how i tried to speak to him with my hands, and i didn't want to know that he hurt me. because i know he'd feel bad, and it might provoke feelings that he shouldn't feel unless it was on his own. so we just kept sitting there, holding hands and cheek to cheek and occasionally he'd give me a little side squeeze or hug. and at the end of the ride, i squeezed his hand and finally just let go. i said goodbye to the best experience i've had in months, and went home and almost cried because i knew that the experience was so meaningless to him. but i tried to tell myself that it wasn't his fault or my fault...we just always fall into that trap together. and someday maybe a boy will like me for all of me and i will mean something.
wishing on dying stars.
Wednesday, October 17, 2001//10:09 p.m.
i remember when i felt that way and that time when we went to pizza california and those lyrics. and all the times he made me feel giddy inside and melt all my problems away and oh no i am holding on to something that won't stay, it refuses to stay.
but i am doing alright.
no visits yesterday? that is baloney. :p something's been wrong with my site, though, so i think that might be it. either that or no one likes me anymore. :| poop! heh. anyhoo, i would review my day but i'm getting really into reading my old entries from last year, so i'm going to go do that and then play my guitar a bit. :) don't worry, nothing exciting has really happened anyway...oh but mrs.lambro said i was "brilliant" today which was quite flattering. :) but later on she embarassed me about my lovelife so that was a little...um, well, embarassing. heh. but oh well. :) things happen. hope you're doing well. toodloo.
support your local punk scene.
Monday, October 15, 2001//10:28 p.m.
hello. :) i am tired and really really sleepy so i will keep this short, and hopefully sweet.
i am proud of allissa. she created this page and also held a benefit show just recently. she's so awesome.
still worn out from homecoming, but very happy it's over. little things still annoy me, but i'm trying not to let it get to me. love my a quad girls a lot, not for any particular reason exactly just for who they are and how long they've stood by me despite everything. had another cross country race today. didn't get a pr (personal record) but improved from last race. and came in first for the team, tenth out of all the girls. so not bad, i think. :) i am going to check if my name is in the newspaper tomorrow.
what else? i'm not quite sure. um. brimming with a kind of giddiness. hard to explain without completely letting it all out in unconscious giggles and schoolgirl quirks. so i will keep it all in right now. :) goodnight.
i will survive...
Saturday, October 13, 2001//02:07 p.m.
hey hey. :) i am going to have to go decorate for the dance pretty soon, but i just thought i'd stop in and say hello, seeing as how i haven't been online in quite a few days. or it seems like it anyway. this week has been superbusy but now it's over! finally over!
pretty much.
homecoming 2001, the last homecoming of my LIFE. woah. hehe. well, high school homecoming anyway. i don't know if they have them in college...do you? heh. anyway, it was an exciting, busy, fun time. we kicked ass in airband, despite a couple of..er, mishaps. i found out that most of the '02 kids in leadership either dislike me or talk crap about me, which i guess is fine either way now that it's out in the open and i have been trying to be nice. and that's all i have to say about that. (or rather, what i want to say. it should be left alone and not really for the public's eye to see i guess.)
anyway, besides that, getting back to how cool homecoming was, the assembly, parade, and football games were yesterday and it was all a really amazing experience. i was nominated for homecoming queen so i got to be on court and wear a pretty tiara and dress. it was a lot of fun, and it was kinda cool to be noticed for once by people i don't really get noticed by. but not something i'd like to do on a daily basis. :p it was fun though, and quite an honor.
what else? well, the whole entire day was pretty cool, despite aching feet from high heels and the pressure of the SATs weighing on my mind all day. everything went pretty smoothly and i had a really good time. it was good to feel that good, and to finally just relax a little. i mean, after all that preparation and worrying and freaking out and getting angry with everybody...it's all built up to this. and tonight, all that's left of homecoming to worry about is the dance. and that's really nothing to worry about because i am sure i won't get crowned as queen so i don't have to worry about messing up with that or anything, and i am not in charge of the dance nor is the class doing concessions or anything like that. so yay! :) i'm just gonna go and do my part and decorate and go home and get all dolled up. and that will be enough for me.
let's see. what else what else? oh, SATs this morning...a bit hard to get up after yesterday, but i made it out alright and got a bit lost trying to get to the school but got there with plenty of time to spare and...the best part, i think i did alright :) i am actually pretty confident about all of my answers...unless i was just kind of rushing through it and being overly confident. oh well. whatever. :p it's over and i'm happy :)
well, it's getting pretty late (as in time to decorate) so i think i had better get going. i hope you all have a good night, and for those of you that are planning to go to the dance, see you there! :)
more than anyone.
Monday, October 8, 2001//10:30 p.m.
wuddup ya'll. ok. this hopefully will be more of an uppity entry, since the last few have been rather sad i suppose. things have been a little difficult, but i am getting through it and today was actually a pretty fun/good day. besides some times when i lost my patience with people, but i am reminded of the fact that the right thing to do isn't always the most popular. i'm going to have to keep that in mind a lot this year, seeing as how we're only a month and a half into the schoolyear and i'm already doing a lot of things that people probably don't like but i know it's right so. *shrug* it's my responsibility. and i'll always been a geek to the core. :p
besides things that are going crazy with events at school, (most of my life has been that) i did play my guitar last week in front of my spanish class, and it was quite fun. it was for my spanish presentation on music, and it was really cool...i played "clumsy words" and people seemed to respond to it pretty positively, so i was really happy. people even asked me questions afterwards. i felt like a bit of a star. :) i hope that i can play in front of people more often. i am developing a bit of a taste for it, although i am still extremely nervous when i do play.
the fashion show was also last week, and i was an mc, and it was pretty neat. it went well, and i'm proud of those kids that put it together. it's sad to see them stressing out though. oh well. they will be ok, i'm sure.
i see that i have a visitor from uop. mark or minda? :) i can't imagine who else it would be, but thanks guys. :) it was good seeing you this weekend.
i want to see serendipity, even though people say it's a crappy movie. i am a half-believer in fate and things happening for a reason, but the other half is quite cynical about that whole thing, partly because of an influence from kevin and his athiest beliefs. i don't really have a religion, to clarify things, but i do sort of believe there is something bigger out there. i don't know if there is actually a being watching us and stuff, controlling what we do or whatever, i'd like to think otherwise...but now i am just going off on a great big tangent that is coming in at the wrong time and place. i don't have time for this! i have econ homework!
i am tired of saying "i don't have time" for things, because it just sounds mean. i dunno. things are just weird. on the upside, i asked anand to homecoming. i think it will be very fun if i go with him. he needs to see if he can go first though. and hopefully i'll know by tomorrow. if he can't, i guess i have some other choices in mind but. i'd like to go with him. plus he can drive. big big plus. :D i think i really settled on the idea at the firme show, because seeing daniel on stage and stuff reminded of all the fun times in middle school. and i thought about a letter anand wrote to me awhile ago, entailing some regret on not spending more time together and how things have changed and...yeah. it just made me think, yeah. it would be so much fun to go with anand. 'cause we could talk about old times while catching up with each other in our lives.
another big tangent that went nowhere, i guess. but i just miss talking to people, so this is the closest i can get. (no offense to anyone i've been talking to lately :P ) one last thing before i go. ann i miss you too. and yes! whoever keeps saying that he/she loves me, please tell me who you are. heh. or at least stop. :p i've had my fair share of fatal attraction, thank you very much. *laugh* i kid, i kid. anyway. homework!
waiting for the sky to explode
Sunday, October 7, 2001//12:00 a.m.
just wanted to give quick props to failing history, who played their very first show tonight at the theater :) you guys were awesome and i'm proud of you.
i hate always having to keep these entries short now, but lately it just seems like a necessity. and it is also just a messageboard of some sort now, or my way of communication with the outside world. :p so while i'm mentioning that, thanks regina for the e-mail, sorry jymmie for not writing in a while but i do miss your e-mails, and ann sweetie, i hate people too. : | i hope things are alright. vicky says nov.10 or so is the last day of colorguard. we can go celebrate when it's done, ok?
i always go into weekends thinking i'm going to have so much time, but i end up going crazy because all the time seems to just slip away too quickly. it's getting to me because airband is coming up and all these things and i just can't think. i don't have time to breathe sometimes, nevermind do my homework. but i have been keeping up ok. i just hope things will be ok.
i went shopping today, and i guess that's what took up most of my day. which makes me feel kinda bad, but at least i had fun. i mean, you got to give yourself some time i guess, but i felt superguilty. anyway, i have to go shopping tomorrow too, because vicky needs to find a gift for kristel and i need to find two dresses for homecoming...one for the rally, one for the dance. s'all good?
i also went to the show at the theater tonight, which i enjoyed very much, even though i couldn't stay the whole time. but it was pretty neat to see my friends, whom i've known since middle school, right up there on stage. i mean, it was their first show but i think they did pretty well. i was impressed. and the k.g.b. was really good :) i wish i could've stayed for firme, but i'm pretty glad i left early 'cause i had to go to a family party, where i had a lot of fun playing with my baby cousins and seeing my family again. gosh. i miss spending time with those guys.
anyway, i am supertired and should go to bed. goodnight.
you don't seem to know, seem to care, what your heart is for.
Wednesday, October 3, 2001//11:37 p.m.
nothing's right, i'm torn.
heart is breaking because nothing makes sense anymore. don't have time for friends. feeling more alone than ever. spending too much time crying. too goddamn sensitive. missing everything. never been so stressed and tired in so many consecutive days before. wishing things could be alright. wishing i had someone to talk to. wishing i could cry in someone's arms. wishing. away. regret. and i'm sorry for the millionth time.
too many strings
Sunday, September 30, 2001//10:27 p.m.
howdy do. i'm sorry i haven't written in so long, it's just been a little busy and these past few days my internet hasn't been working! pshaw. what's that all about? heh.
today i volunteered at the sofa festival, which is this festival outside street concert thing where a bunch of bands play on three different stages. the funnest part is the free swag, i think. anyway, it was pretty cool and i had a lot of fun bonding with ngan. she is so awesome. nhon, the boy, is also very cool too. so the three of us were cool together. :D we were stagehands, so we got to talk to a lot of the bands, and it felt pretty neat.
new things have been happening here and there, but the next few days i won't be home very much, and today i have homework to do still (i haven't even started and it's 10:30 at night! d'oh! :( ) so i can't really update you. i'm so very sorry. i hope you're all doing well though. goodnight.